scary little thing called love

I believe that in order to truly love someone, you must understand them.
Many times your heart leads, then love seems to be blind, ineffective, selfish even.
you have no idea if you are happy, if they are happy.
it's scary feeling like you're on a limb that could break any second.
You already fell without even expecting it.
You may get over it but your heart is still wounded. There's still a scar. Making it tougher. Making you guarded.

Trust

Risk management
Accept the risk only when the benefit outweighs the cost
when Love feels like a risk
Anticipate and manage risks by planning
when you don't have enough information to make a healthy decision
make risk decisions at the right level
love takes time
accept no unnecessary risks.
love does not fear.

But I realize I've been using the ORM wrong.
You're supposed to
Identify the hazard
Assess the hazard
Make risk decisions
Implement controls
Supervise

I haven't been implementing controls
I just decide that it's not worth the risk and pass it by
Or I only give what I'm willing to lose.

So what is the benefit
If there can be friendship and a heart protected.
When you love but are afraid to say it.
When I have to change my thinking from love to friend.
when love isn't something I can get rid of so easily. Ignore it, stifle it. Let it die.
What I have to tell myself.
I can be a friend. A friend who loves, supports, helps,
one who doesn't need love in return
I think a relationship is secure, there's a commitment.
What's the difference between a lover and a friend?
Is it just the physical intimacy? Is it a vulnerability?
You can be in love and still be friends. It's a bit of torture if one is not mature enough; but possible.

I feel like I'm an oddity. It's hard for me to relate to people and feel like I'm understood. Very important to me. Otherwise. It's the loneliest feeling, not being understood. This loneliness sits in your gut when you're alone or when you're in a crowd. It's worse in the crowd. It's worst in love.
I hate being confused and this is the most confusing and frustrating thing I've dealt with in a long time.

I'm in love and I'm uncomfortable with those feelings
I'm in love and it scares me
When my mind is telling me that it's not going to work and my heart is telling me that it doesn't matter, just do it.
There's no voice of hope. Nothing saying that it will work out.
Maybe that's my insecurities or maybe it's intuition. Maybe a little of both.
I wish i was able to trust someone with my heart